Life is NOT easy!

I've come to realize that nothing in life is easy. You have to work at EVERYTHING. I always see my friends and ppl on tv(yes I know they are not real) and wonder how the hell do they do it every single day. How do they make everything look easy? Do they not have ANY problems? I sometimes feel that I have a lot of problems, perhaps I blame it on my childhood but honestly it's no one's fault but my own. I have not grown to the person I am very proud of. I get depressed very easily and have NEVER had much motivation to do anything. This is why I never finished school. So much easier to go shopping or lay in bed. Yesterday I finally felt motivated and I am praying that it keeps up. I don't want to be this hermit that I've become. I blame everything that I do or don't do on something else. I don't feel like cleaning b/c our house it too cluttered...I'm the packrat that has cluttered this new house up. Maybe I am mildly depressed now but I've been in these same shoes before and I've picked myself up and I can do it again. I do wonder though, am I always going to be one of these ppl that gets depressed easily and lacks motivation? I sure as hell pray I'm not but I've afraid it's going to be a lifelong battle. Quite like an alcoholic has a daily struggle of not taking a drink, I think I'm going to have a daily struggle to get up and get out of bed and do something productive. Thanks to my good friend Chelsea, I am motivate to clean this filthy house and DECLUTTER!! She just recently straighten up their house and it looks great! I've always wanted a house that EVERYTHING has a home and promised myself that I would NOT let this house get this way and a year and a half of living here, it's a shit hole. I am a PACKRAT! 

There are a ton of projects that I wanted to do for my child with my sewing machine and when I bought my new machine I envisioned me as little Martha Stewart sewing up a storm. And I did for the first few months...but now I cannot tell you the last time I've even looked at the machine! I always had good intentions but RARELY followed through with what I said I was going to do.

I do make my life a lot HARDER than it needs to be. I need to learn to relax, go with the flow, and get my ass off the couch and do SOMETHING! Something productive. I may start by taking Layla to go pick some peaches! Yes she's a little young to do this but I've always wanted to pick peaches at Fall Creek Farms and why not. It will get me out of the house wont it? Oh yeah, I was supposed to work on getting this house in order...oops! I'll finish mopping and while the floors are drying we will go! There. Sounds like a plan! TODAY is a new day and I'm going to change the path that I'm on and make it a good one! I just pray I can keep it up...

This has been quite an exciting YEAR!

Happy Birthday my sweet sweet bunny! I cannot tell you how wonderful this last year has been. So much has changed this last year but all for the better! I had a scheduled c-section for May 26 and my dad was supposed to arrive a couple days before then. the morning of May 23, 2011 I woke up feeling great (as good as a swollen 9 month pregnant person would) and started baking a carrot cake for my dad. it's one of his favorites. as I was shredding the carrots my phone rang...it was the nurse from the doctor's office calling me back. I was told to come in asap to see if my water is breaking. I was in the middle of baking a cake and hadn't taken a shower! I quickly hung up and called kelly who didn't answer. I was pissed! why the hell is he not answering his phone days before I'm due! finally got ahold of his mother...he was mowing the horsebarn. shortly after he got home we left for fort worth. I threw in my over night bag just in case. the doctor took a test and it came back negative, it wasn't my water breaking. so onto the sonogram we go. the sono tech told me to drink MORE water! uh that was impossible! I drink 80-100 ounces a day! there's no way I can force down more. The doctor determined that it probably was in fact my water leaking and that even though she wasn't my regular doctor (my regular doctor was in FRANCE...must be nice) that she wanted to have the csection that day. sure why not. not like I had pressing plans to be anywhere else! I called my family and told them my angel was coming that day! I couldn't have been happier. it was strange, I was so calm the whole time we were waiting for her arrival in the hospital room...I was ready. then they wheeled me into the operating room. I HATE that no one else can go back there while you get prepped! I hated it when Kyle was born and I hated it when Layla was born! I never freaked out when I was getting prepped for Kyle's birth but for some reason I almost had a panic attack when I was prepping for Layla! I couldn't breathe, I just wanted to tell the nurse, "Ok I think I'll have her naturally, we can stop all this!!!" I had a c-section with Layla b/c of Kyle's defect we had to have a c-section with him and I know what to expect from a c-section and I did not look for to tearing down south so I said yes to the c-section. If I could be guaranteed that I wouldn't tear and that she would be 6 lbs or smaller I'd go natural. My doctor couldn't promise that so c-section it was! Kelly finally was able to come back and I was instantly calmed when I saw his face. I felt a little tug and pull here and there and then I hear the doctors saying that the specialist needs to come down NOW. WHAT?! what's going on?! My nurse came by to let me know my sweet angel had a bowel movement when they opened me up and she swallowed some. to prevent infection they had to suction that out quickly and that they were not trying to get her to cry. Well, my teradactyl baby let out a huge burst and would not stop! By the time the specialist came down they had it all suctioned out! Thank God! I would be DAMNED if I was going to be robbed of holding my child immediately after birth again! They placed her in my arms as they were sewing me back up and I couldn't stop smiling! This was the BEST feeling in the world! The LOVE one has for their child cannot be described! You know that you'll love your child when they're born but until you see them and hold them for the first time you have NO IDEA!

This last year has been a HUGE change for our family. I wouldn't change a single thing. I quit my job to take care of my child and yes it's been lonely and challenging at times but I couldn't imagine it any other way! THIS is what I was put on this EARTH for...TO TAKE CARE OF MY CHILD! I truly without a doubt feel that being a mother is what I'm destine to do. If I screw everything up in my life, I at least want everyone to be able to say, "she was the best mother to her children". I have learned from my childhood what kind of parent I want to be and what NOT to do. Layla will never doubt my love for her! (I never doubted my parents love) 

Today I looked at my ONE year old and realized that this is what life's all about...FAMILY! There is nothing I wouldn't do for her!

This is what makes ME happy

Ok, I feel like I need to address something that is important to me. I can't ever really let anything go, unfortunately, I'd be a lot better off if I could. You know when people tell you, you look good and that they can tell you've lost a lot weight, that makes me think to myself, "damn was I truly a fat ass before?". Well in fact I really wasn't THAT bad before. This is why most women/girls have complexes, yet we are the ones making these comments! Yes, I feel better when I'm closer to high school weight. No, we aren't in high school anymore, thank God, but I like to be close to that range. Right now I'm still 4 lbs away from high school weight, and I'm fine with where I am at. 4 years ago I was actually 2 lbs under high school weight and I honestly don't remember people saying anything to me. Why is this?! Maybe b/c I was freshly married or I was younger and didn't have any children. Perhaps it's b/c I've been 15ish lbs over weight for the past 3 years b/c I was either pregnant or trying to get pregnant and everyone thought that was my "norm"? I wish I didn't feel like I had to justify my weight with anyone but I'm getting a lot of people talking to me about it. I was 50lbs heavier a year ago...but I was also PREGNANT and days away of giving birth!! I have worked HARD to get where I am today! I quit eating sweets, mostly, I eat the appropriate portion of food, and I workout often, here on the ranch and the gym. I even went to the running store to get the "correct" shoes for my feet and my running trails. I have worked HARD. It has taken me 3-4 months to get rid of the last 20 lbs(11 lbs of that was with a cleanse/diet in 24 days) that I've wanted to lose. I was DETERMINED, and when I'm determined I will see to it I get what I'm after!

Here's my "weight" life story:
High school I weighted 94.5 lbs...my norm back then, I had a child when I was 20 and I was 127 (maybe 134...not sure. both numbers stick out for some reason) when I delivered Kyle. I lost all that weight fast, almost 20 lbs immediately after delivery, and the rest I lost probably within a few weeks due to me being depressed from losing him. I laid in bed for a week and did not get up except to pee. Then I started dating Kelly (roughly a month after I had Kyle...he had no idea I just had a baby), I maintained my weight I think maybe gained a few pounds but that's normal. then we got married (4 years later), I got a kitchenaid mixer and I went CRAZY! I baked up a storm!! Couldn't stop baking! So naturally I gained some extra cush! probably 10-15 lbs extra. The year after we were married I wanted to lose that weight so I did...DETERMINATION! I lost all my extra cush and yes a little more...I was 92 lbs. That was way too much. I stayed around there and high school weight for a year or so and then Kelly and I were trying to have a baby. We got pregnant after 6 months or so of trying. I was so happy...I could eat whatever I want b/c I did with Kyle and still didn't gain much weight. Uh, I was wrong! I quickly gained weight with that pregnancy! We had a miscarriage (at 10 weeks)...I was 10-15lbs over the "norm". I was so devastated and I did not want my weight nor exercise or anything of that nature to be the reason of another miscarriage or infertility, so I stopped working out and I continued to eat what I wanted, within reason. We finally got pregnant again (after months of trying)!! I was way over weight. Never lost the baby weight from my miscarriage. I even took my pregnancy jeans on our cruise (the month before we got pregnant) so I could eat what I wanted and still be comfy, plus no one there knew I wasn't pregnant and my jeans didn't look like "pregnancy jeans". I was so happy to finally be pregnant with a HEALTHY baby girl! I quickly lost my "baby weight" ...breastfeeding does wonders for that...just not other things(that's a whole other blog)! I ate ice cream every single night and still lost weight...it was AWESOME! Then when Layla was 6 months I stopped breastfeeding and I had to go back to normal. I tried for a couple of months to cut back what I ate but ultimately I had to get my lazy ASS up and go workout! I started a cleanse from advocare to give myself a jump start. It worked! I lost 11 lbs and more than that, I taught myself how to eat better and make better choices. That was back in February. I also started a new workout that helped me lose my last few lbs which are ALWAYS hard to lose. Now I am at the weight that I'm comfortable with. I am still 4 lbs over high school weight (you do the math). I know it's not about the scale at all, its about how I FEEL. You have to remember about my weight number...I'm a small framed woman and I'm short...VERY SHORT! 4ft 11in and 3/4. I always throw in the 3/4...makes me ALMOST 5ft (which I swear one dr said I was 5ft...but all the others say 4ft 11in).

Ok so I left out a small piece..my senior year of hs I lost a ton of weight (go look at senior prom pictures)...I think I was down to 84ish lbs. I just quit eating for several days (I was dealing with abandonment issues, my dad left me for CA years before, my mom was dead, my first serious boyfriend just dumped me, and i'm sure there's more to the pity party). Once I woke up and realized either I get put on meds or get checked into a hospital, I started to force myself to eat and started dealing with my problems...Ah, there it is again, DETERMINATION. Not many people know about this nor is it something that I'm proud of. Quite ashamed of it honestly but if I'm being honest about my life this has to be in it. And by any means, I'm not going to lie and say, "yes I got well all on my own", no, I went to counseling, which helped me a great deal.

I know I don't have to justify this with anyone and I'm sure some of you think it's silly that I even wrote this blog but I felt the need to write it. I'm not out to "impress" anyone, I am just doing what I want for myself. This is what make ME happy!

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is coming up this weekend and I am excited to spend it with just my little family. I am getting a little tired of saying this is my "first" mother's day b/c it is not. Truth is I've had many mother's days as a mother, just I haven't had a child here on earth to share it with until this year. I don't like to be the "debbie downer" so I never correct myself or anyone else. I never know quite how I'm supposed to act about the holiday. When we go out to eat on that day, am I supposed to get a flower too? After all I AM a mother, I did give birth. For the past 8.5 years it has been a very awkward day for me, but this year I'm hoping it will start to be a joyful holiday for me and that I will start to get excited about it. Mother's day has always been a hard day for my sister and me. I do miss the days before we had our own families where we would go spend that day together doing whatever we wanted. It was a day we could truly be selfish and not have to worry about other ppl's feelings and be together. Well this year I'm being selfish again. I just want to spend it with my little family and no one else. I want to celebrate Layla's life and what a blessing and miracle she really is. I will also think about my mother whom I miss dearly and wish was here to meet her 4 grandchildren. She would have loved to have been a grandmother. I consider myself pretty damn lucky, I still see my mother's smile when I close my eyes and I can still hear her laugh every time I think of her. Please this year give your mother a big hug and cherish the time you have together. There is no love/connection quite like a mother's love.

god is good

well, here we are. today layla turned 10 months. time has flown by. she is the light of my world. i thank god every single day that we have her. i do not take any day for granted. unfortunately i do know what it's like to lose a child and i pray i never have to experience that again. my boo boo has been sick all week long. this is her first time to be really sick. tonight she started getting a high fever and it keeps on coming back. hopefully the antibiotics will kick in soon! hated to get her on antibiotics so young but with a double ear infection you dont have much of a choice. a couple of days ago i planted my garden. hoping it works out this year. we tried it right outside our yard a few years ago and something ate all of our plants. i'm thinking our tough dogs will protect our garden inside the yard this time. ha. we will see. layla is growing up quickly. she is starting to finally venture outside her little designated play area and realizing there is much more to explore. therefore if i have to walk away for a min she has to go to babyjail which we keep in the livingroom. soon she will be walking! i can't believe it. my absolute favorite thing is seeing her beautiful smile. there is nothing quite like it. you know they tell you that you'll love your baby more than anything but you have no idea until they are here and you are holding them. there is not a single thing that i wouldn't do for her.

today i've been feeling a little down in the dumps. i think it's b/c she has been sick all week long and i'm here with her 24/7 and mamma needs a break! i always feel so guilty when i say i need a break. i feel like i chose to have her i should have her with me at all times, but i do have to stop and tell myself it's ok to go out and enjoy myself a little. sunday will be my first time to have the entire day to do whatever it is i want to do. kelly said when we wake up he will take care of layla and i can go and be gone all day. after tonight's episode of me being down he went even further and told me i could go away to a hotel for a night or two if i needed. i am so lucky to have such a caring husband. no words can describe how lucky i am to have him in my life. i do believe god put him in my life for a reason. god matched us up at a really important time in my life. i needed him more than he'll ever know.  of course i'd love to get away and maybe one day i will but not sure i'm quite ready for that, but a full day i will certainly try to do. can't promise anything but i know i need to get away for a bit. even if it's mall shopping and driving around town.

we have so many birthdays coming up. we had one last weekend, we have one this weekend. and honestly i think layla has a birthday party to go to almost every weekend until her birthday. popular gal! i love it! love that all my friends have kids so close to layla's age. yes her birthday is only two months away and i've already bought her birthday outfit (which is adorable!) and i've already started planning it. i dont want to go broke her birthday month so gotta start early. I'm going to order her bday present soon. so excited. dont tell but she's getting a potterybarn chair. its adorable. can't wait! i'm sure she'll get other things too. you should see what the easter bunny is getting her this year. it's crazy. but how can you not go over board for such a sweet daughter!? i hope i'm not coming across as bragging about my child, i'm just so in love and so proud of her. i hope she knows how loved she is and that i will always be here for her. I was/am not perfect and i want her to know that she can come to me about anything, anytime! I'll always love her no matter the circumstances. and i pray that kelly or i are not taken from her too soon. i miss my mother so much and wish so desperately that she was still here. it's not fair for a daughter to have to grow up without their mother. yes i have a wonderful grandmother who took me in and has given me unconditional love and a father and sisters, and a lot of family but it's not the same. it is my mission to let layla know how much i love her every single day. god forbid if something happens to me, she will know that i love her more than anything and that i did my best to take care of her. there is nothing better than being a mother. this is what i was meant to do. take care of my child and teach her everything i can.

oh my, thought greta (my cat) was a gonner the other day. she decided to venture into the woods, which we have all kinds of predators out there, and didn't come back when i called her. she never gets so far she can't hear me call her name. again i have the best husband. he and frida drove around looking for her. i was numb. i really thought something got her and she was gone. Greta was/is my other baby! i love her with all my heart too. she ruins our leather couch, dont tell kelly but she's scratched up our wooden stairs (keep in mind we have only lived in this house barely a year), but she can do no harm. yes i have to vacuum every single day b/c her hair flies everywhere but she is wonderful. finally just before it got dark i see her running up to the house. man, i was relieved she was home but she was so grounded. ok, so i thought. i let her go outside a couple days later to play. she normally stays in the yard hunting for birds. so thankful she's back and so is layla, even though she had no idea greta was gone.

all in all we are all doing great. life is good out here on the ranch. not much to complain about.

P.s.- need to give you all an update on my friends i asked for prayers for in my last blog. My friend had her twins, early and they are home and doing wonderful! couldn't have asked for a better outcome! my other friend who's baby (the same age as layla) had his bone marrow transplant and is out of the hospital, still in houston near the hospital, is doing good. he is doing better than i could ever imagine. i have to give these two family props for going through these hard times. they are such strong ppl and i am very very proud of you all! i consider myself very lucky to have you guys in my life.