Sunday, May 20, 2012

This is what makes ME happy

Ok, I feel like I need to address something that is important to me. I can't ever really let anything go, unfortunately, I'd be a lot better off if I could. You know when people tell you, you look good and that they can tell you've lost a lot weight, that makes me think to myself, "damn was I truly a fat ass before?". Well in fact I really wasn't THAT bad before. This is why most women/girls have complexes, yet we are the ones making these comments! Yes, I feel better when I'm closer to high school weight. No, we aren't in high school anymore, thank God, but I like to be close to that range. Right now I'm still 4 lbs away from high school weight, and I'm fine with where I am at. 4 years ago I was actually 2 lbs under high school weight and I honestly don't remember people saying anything to me. Why is this?! Maybe b/c I was freshly married or I was younger and didn't have any children. Perhaps it's b/c I've been 15ish lbs over weight for the past 3 years b/c I was either pregnant or trying to get pregnant and everyone thought that was my "norm"? I wish I didn't feel like I had to justify my weight with anyone but I'm getting a lot of people talking to me about it. I was 50lbs heavier a year ago...but I was also PREGNANT and days away of giving birth!! I have worked HARD to get where I am today! I quit eating sweets, mostly, I eat the appropriate portion of food, and I workout often, here on the ranch and the gym. I even went to the running store to get the "correct" shoes for my feet and my running trails. I have worked HARD. It has taken me 3-4 months to get rid of the last 20 lbs(11 lbs of that was with a cleanse/diet in 24 days) that I've wanted to lose. I was DETERMINED, and when I'm determined I will see to it I get what I'm after!

Here's my "weight" life story:
High school I weighted 94.5 norm back then, I had a child when I was 20 and I was 127 (maybe 134...not sure. both numbers stick out for some reason) when I delivered Kyle. I lost all that weight fast, almost 20 lbs immediately after delivery, and the rest I lost probably within a few weeks due to me being depressed from losing him. I laid in bed for a week and did not get up except to pee. Then I started dating Kelly (roughly a month after I had Kyle...he had no idea I just had a baby), I maintained my weight I think maybe gained a few pounds but that's normal. then we got married (4 years later), I got a kitchenaid mixer and I went CRAZY! I baked up a storm!! Couldn't stop baking! So naturally I gained some extra cush! probably 10-15 lbs extra. The year after we were married I wanted to lose that weight so I did...DETERMINATION! I lost all my extra cush and yes a little more...I was 92 lbs. That was way too much. I stayed around there and high school weight for a year or so and then Kelly and I were trying to have a baby. We got pregnant after 6 months or so of trying. I was so happy...I could eat whatever I want b/c I did with Kyle and still didn't gain much weight. Uh, I was wrong! I quickly gained weight with that pregnancy! We had a miscarriage (at 10 weeks)...I was 10-15lbs over the "norm". I was so devastated and I did not want my weight nor exercise or anything of that nature to be the reason of another miscarriage or infertility, so I stopped working out and I continued to eat what I wanted, within reason. We finally got pregnant again (after months of trying)!! I was way over weight. Never lost the baby weight from my miscarriage. I even took my pregnancy jeans on our cruise (the month before we got pregnant) so I could eat what I wanted and still be comfy, plus no one there knew I wasn't pregnant and my jeans didn't look like "pregnancy jeans". I was so happy to finally be pregnant with a HEALTHY baby girl! I quickly lost my "baby weight" ...breastfeeding does wonders for that...just not other things(that's a whole other blog)! I ate ice cream every single night and still lost was AWESOME! Then when Layla was 6 months I stopped breastfeeding and I had to go back to normal. I tried for a couple of months to cut back what I ate but ultimately I had to get my lazy ASS up and go workout! I started a cleanse from advocare to give myself a jump start. It worked! I lost 11 lbs and more than that, I taught myself how to eat better and make better choices. That was back in February. I also started a new workout that helped me lose my last few lbs which are ALWAYS hard to lose. Now I am at the weight that I'm comfortable with. I am still 4 lbs over high school weight (you do the math). I know it's not about the scale at all, its about how I FEEL. You have to remember about my weight number...I'm a small framed woman and I'm short...VERY SHORT! 4ft 11in and 3/4. I always throw in the 3/4...makes me ALMOST 5ft (which I swear one dr said I was 5ft...but all the others say 4ft 11in).

Ok so I left out a small senior year of hs I lost a ton of weight (go look at senior prom pictures)...I think I was down to 84ish lbs. I just quit eating for several days (I was dealing with abandonment issues, my dad left me for CA years before, my mom was dead, my first serious boyfriend just dumped me, and i'm sure there's more to the pity party). Once I woke up and realized either I get put on meds or get checked into a hospital, I started to force myself to eat and started dealing with my problems...Ah, there it is again, DETERMINATION. Not many people know about this nor is it something that I'm proud of. Quite ashamed of it honestly but if I'm being honest about my life this has to be in it. And by any means, I'm not going to lie and say, "yes I got well all on my own", no, I went to counseling, which helped me a great deal.

I know I don't have to justify this with anyone and I'm sure some of you think it's silly that I even wrote this blog but I felt the need to write it. I'm not out to "impress" anyone, I am just doing what I want for myself. This is what make ME happy!


chelsea said...

So proud of you for so many reasons! (Not just the weight loss and determination!) You're an inspiration and one of the strongest people I know!

Kristyn said...

Thanks Chels! I wish that were are very sweet. I have a huge respect for you and other working mothers. I shut down when I get too busy and yet you don't. You keep on going strong! You are a super mom and I look up to you for all you do!