Sunday, July 4, 2010

Still Going...

So it's been a little over 3 months since I had my miscarriage. Seems longer than that though. We are on our third month of trying, second month on Clomid. This is harder than I ever thought it would be. I feel like I have absolute no control over my emotions and hormones sometimes. The other day I just had to leave wherever I was and go home b/c I couldn't control my emotions. The tears just kept on rolling down my face. It was awful. I was embarrassed b/c I feel like I need to accept what happen and be okay. But I sometimes just can't! I see the doctor in about a week for my sonogram to see how my follicles are doing. I should be ovulation that day so that will be really nice to see. This will be the first time I see MY doctor since my miscarriage. I have a HUGE list of questions to ask!

I am so lost and not sure how to calm down sometimes. I feel like I've tried a lot of methods to help, a nice glass of wine, thinking good thoughts, I even bought some stress reliever lotion and use it every night! My job is stressing me out and I'm scared that isn't good for me conceiving a baby, but then what do I do after I quit?! I can't quit and sit around on my ass and do nothing. I know there are a lot of things I could do but would I be motivated enough to do them?! I wish I could take a leave of absence and take off about a month to get myself together (maybe see if an anti-depressant would kick in). I don't feel that is very fair to my co-workers. BUT a FAMILY is more important to me than anything in the world! I will do whatever it takes to complete my family! That is in my list of questions to ask my doctor. See what she recommends medically.

Ever since I had my miscarriage my feet go numb way way quicker than they did in the past. I feel like I've never had great blood circulation but its horrible now. I literally cannot sit on my knees for more than two minutes without my legs and feet hurting! Also in my list of things to ask the doctor.

I was very spoiled with my periods BM (before miscarriage). They would last 3 days max. Usually the first day was extremely light then second day was normal, then the last was another light day. It was awesome. Those days are gone. Now it's a normal-light day for the first day, then the next 3 are normal to heavy days with two days after that being light. I hate it!!! I want my old period back!!

Last week Kelly and I started working on the house again and it's really coming along now! It's so nice!! I'm hoping in a week or two(no longer than two weeks) we'll be ready to spray in the insulation. Then sheet rock soon after that!!! I cannot wait! My hope is to have our Christmas party at our new house!! We will be in the new house by Christmas but not sure if we'll be in there with enough time to move in and throw a Christmas Party. But I may make it happen somehow! We will see.

Yesterday I held a month old baby for about two hours and I loved it! I truly feel that this is the plan God had for me, to be a wife and a mother! It was an awesome feeling! Our day will come and I could not be anymore exited!

It's been an extremely hard past few months but I'm still going and I'm still making it! Just bare with me b/c some days I really can't do much! It's not very often anymore but I do still have my days I truly cannot control my tears!