Saturday, May 23, 2009


Today was the first day since the scorpion episode that I truly enjoyed my shower!! While I was washing my face I felt something on my foot (same foot that the devil was crawling up) and thought to myself "it's just water just enjoy this shower" Everytime I get in the shower this week I keep thinking it's gonna come back. I think to myself that this scorpion has it out for me and it's going to get me one way or another! I think I'm over it now! Or at least I hope for now I am. I'm sure sometime next year I'll see another one. Its been about one every year or so.
I woke up this morning and layed in bed with Kelly for a few hours and then went for a run. The run was a killer but in the end I was glad I went! I took Pinky and Khloe with me. Abby is just too old to go anymore. It's really sad but it's part of life! My goal is to try to get back into my running routine. I was so good last year but ever since I hurt my knee I've falling off the wagon (as Oprah and Kirsti Ally would say). It's so hard when you've stopped for so long! Maybe I'll become pregnant soon so I can stop trying to get back to my high school weight. I will still workout but just not as hard! Wish me luck this week!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009


So let me just start off by saying taking a nice hot shower is one of the best parts of my day! I love taking my showers! I got in the shower this morning and felt something crawling on my foot. Out of reaction i jumped out of the shower and shook my foot. A damn scorpion was on my foot! It didn't sting me thank God!! So I try my hardest to get a cup full of water to drown him and make him go back in the drain. So now I'm scared as shit and not enjoying my hot shower at all. I started bathing while also keeping an eye on the drain for that sucker to come out. And yes while I was washing my face he came back!!! Damn suckers can swim! OMG!! I did not know that but it makes sense he did come out of the DRAIN! Oh and I closed the drain thinking he cant up through b/c it's closed. Oh I'm so wrong! I called Kelly and he said "Yeah they can get through small spaces" Well no shit!!! I found out the hard way. I jumped out of the shower again and got my volumizer bottle and killed that sucker. Oh at least I hope so! It is no fun taking a shower with one eye on the damn drain! I would feel something on my leg or my foot and I would jump again. It was just the water running down my leg. My heart is still racing!! So scary! I really think there should be a manual for a city girl moving out to the country. A what to expect and what to do when...

Here lately we have had a few ticks in the house. I'm sure you are thinking well put some frontline on your dogs. They are on frontline and they are tick free. It's Kelly who is bring them home! Every time he has gone into the woods this year comes home with a tick on his body! Freakin nasty!! He said that he usually gets one tick on him in a year not one every time he goes into the woods. A few weeks ago I was in the closet putting my makeup on ( I have a large mirror in there and sit on the floor to put my makeup on) and saw a spider on me. I took it to Kelly and asked what kind of spider this was and he said "Babe, that's not a spider, it's a tick" OMG so nasty! I guess I've never seen one before. And the other morning I woke up and saw a tick crawling on my pillow! Seriously! I've had enough "country" bugs for a year or so! If I see another nasty bug I am going to get a hotel for a few days while Kelly sprays the whole house and our entire yard! Greta eats any bug she sees so if we didn't have her I wonder how many more bugs I might see! Thanks Greta! She's got my back!
Kelly gets mad at me sometimes when I freak out about these little bugs, but in my head I think to myself what if this little bug gets inside me somehow. What if it lays eggs inside my body and what damage can this nasty little bug do to me!? He doesn't really get mad but frustrated b/c these bugs wont kill me and if I got bit by a black widow (yes we have those too) then I'll just go to the hospital. But I say to myself what if I dont know I bit me and my arm turns blue and black and the doctors have to take it off! My mind wanders and I know the hospital isn't far if anything were to ever happen. Yes Kelly and Kit grew up with all these bugs and snakes and they turned out just fine. It's still scary! I am a country girl now but there is still a city girl inside somewhere!

Greta's Walk

Greta hiding in the brush!

The Family walking together!

Yesterday I felt very family-ish and felt inclined to go on a walk with my family. I for some reason picked Greta up like a little baby and decided she should go with us. From time to time I'll feel more family-ish than other times. I started our walk with our 3 dogs, Kelly, and Greta. I started to carry Greta (which btw she was staying still while I held her). I put her down after just a few minutes into our walk. I told Kelly "How cool would it be if Greta would walk with us like the dogs do". And she did!!! I was scared to let her go b/c I had no idea if she would run or not. She does get some free time outside in our yard almost everyday. I think it's her favorite time of the day!! She plays with Khloe and it's soo cute!! When I let her down she kind of just stood there wondering what the hell was going on. I kept on calling her but Kelly said to just walk away and she will come follow. She did! He was right! It was soo cute. She would cry when she got too far behind and she would gallop and run. By the end of our walk, which was only a half a mile, she was panting. Her little tongue would stick in and out while her heart was racing. I suppose I should ask the vet if it ok for her to go on , what I feel is a long walk for a cat! Who the hell has a cat that goes on walks with them?! I do!! And I love it! Not only does she fetch she now walks with the family!! What an awesome cat I have!!

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Just to clearify, kyle's father is not my husband Kelly. It's a different Kelly. I started dating Kelly langdon about a month or so after Kyle died.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Kyle part 2

He was born August 19, 2003. I delivered at Harris Methodist downtown Ft. Worth. Their NICU was all full so Kyle had to go next door to Cook's. Looking back I'm glad he went there. The two hospitals were connected so I got to see him as much as I wanted. I had a full day of visitors. Around 9 or 10 pm the nurse's aid came in to give me medicine and to check up on me. I told her I would like to go see my son. I hadn't seen him since I delivered and quite frankly I didn't remember much. She was soo sweet and said she would take me to see him after she is through with her rounds. 11pm rolls around and I finally get to see my son. He was a chubby 5 lbs. 10oz. I was quite impressed he had some dark brown hair and such broad shoulders. It was soo awesome to finally meet him! Went back to my room and got some sleep, not much. I had the morphine button and sometime in the middle of the night I remember waking up and paging my nurse to tell her my button had not been working. I guess I was in pain and obviously loopy. We were arguing back and forth and Finally she left. Apparently I had just pushed the button and forgot. Oops! The next morning the doctor came by to see how things were going and he told me that he would let me stay at the hospital the max number of days allowed since Kyle was not going home anytime soon. After a day or two I learned how to wheel myself, I did not want to have to depend on anyone. I can do it myself! And then after 3 days I learned to walk slowly!! Very very slowly! I think I recovered faster than most from my c-section but honestly I had no choice. I had to do what I had to do. Kyle was all that I had time to worry about. I believe it was day 4 that I went home. I think I slept in my own bed that night but the next night I was moving into the hotel room til Kyle got out of the hospital. It was right down the road from Cooks. I believe day 4 or day 5 is when they did Kyle's surgery and started to push some of his organs into his body. He was doing okay. Day 5 my grandma and I left the hospital and had a nice dinner and crashed at the hotel. We had only been sleeping for a little bit when my cell phone rang. I asked the nurse to call me at anytime if Kyle gets worse. I sat there for a few minutes wondering if I should wake my grandma or wait until they call again saying to come up. They just informed me that he wasn't doing well but they would call if things got really bad. Finally I woke grandma and we rushed to the hospital. Kelly ( not my husband now, Kyle's father) had been there all night with him. He was sleeping in the waiting room and when I got there I didn't even wake him I went straight to Kyle. I think my grandma woke him to tell him they called me. After being by his side for what felt to me just a short time, there was an emergency flown in and NICU was closed to all visitors. They had to get this new baby stable and settled in. So off to the waiting room I go. I was not about to leave. I told my grandma that she could go get some rest and that I would be fine but she insisted on staying right there with me. The nurses were kind enough to get us a private room to sleep. Sometime later that morning not sure when I got up and showered and waited some more in the waiting room. Kelly had been there all the previous day and all night without much sleep. So he went back to Granbury to clean up and maybe take a small nap.
Oh I almost forgot, around day 3 or 4 I took my aunt down to see Kyle and his eyes were open! I saw his beautiful blue eyes! It was soo nice to see! That was the only time I saw them open.
Ok later of day 6 one of the NICU doctors pulled me to the side and showed me how serious his condition really was. Up to this point I didn't really know or think of how serious this is. He showed me Kyle's lung x-rays in comparison to a preemies x-rays. Kyle's were smaller! So much smaller. They asked me if something were to happen do I want them to resuscitate? Well as a mother of course I want them to do whatever they can to bring him back, but the reality was if they did bring him back, what would his quality of life be. The doctor also informed me that they can sometimes do more harm resuscitating an infant. So I told him no. DNR. A few hours later Kyle was going down hill quickly! I called his father and told him to rush back. His heart rate was slowing getting slower and slower. His nurse asked me if I wanted her to take him off the machine so I could hold him. As much as I wanted to hold him a huge part of me was like "Well what if I keep him on this machine just a little longer, he can come back." So I said no, keep him on the machines, please. After a long hard battle, I saw on the machine his heart stop. It was so hard to see. I knew this could happen. All the doctors told me that he could die, but you never think it will happen to you. The nurse took Kyle off the machines and let me hold him. I held him and rocked him. My baby was gone. He lived 6 days. I ran out and called Kelly on his phone and told him he was gone. Looking back now, I know I should have not told him over the phone but I wasn't thinking. My grandma came back and she held him. When Kelly got there he held him. And after everyone held him I held him again. I wanted to be the last one to hold my baby. Cook's hospital was a great hospital. They were all so kind to us. They made me a little impression of his foot, gave me a teddy bear someone gave him. I have his little blood pressure arm band, his thermometer.I treasure all these little things of his. We had a very nice graveside funeral. He is buried in the same cemetery as my mother. It felt like a week that I didn't get out of bed. I don't remembering answering my phone or calling anyone back. I just needed some time to myself. After a couple of, my sister found me a counselor. I went there once a week and made a scrapbook of all of Kyle's stuff and stuff I got throughout the pregnancy. The scrapbook helped me get through my tough times. I still think about Kyle often, as I always will. I do not get uncomfortable talking about him ever. I don't want to say it's not hard anymore, especially now, Kelly and I are somewhat trying. Every now and then I have a hard time, but he will be forever loved and forever missed!

I don't mind if people ask me questions. I wrote these blogs so people can be informed.

Kyle David Van Zandt
Aug 19, 2003- Aug 26, 2003

Praying for the future, hoping everything would turn out okay

His intestines, spleen, and liver were all in his umbilical cord

Mother and son

Kyle David Van Zandt

So I have probably been needing to do this blog but never had the urge to do it. But for some reason while I was laying in bed last night I thought to myself that I needed to make this blog today. Kelly and I will someday hopefully soon will be pregnant and have a baby of our own and I would like to let everyone know the reason why I know I will be having a scheduled C-section. A little over 6 years ago I found out that I was pregnant. This was a huge surprise and very very unexpected! I had just moved back home in November 2002 with my grandmother to save some money. It was a very troubling and hard time in my life. I was soo scared to tell anyone let alone my grandmother. This was the last thing she needed in her life as well. I had been dating a guy for a little over a year but we weren't serious. I finally got the courage to tell my grandmother, she was in shock but at the same time she was there for me. She always had and always will be. Kyle's father and I were not dating during the pregnancy. So I went to my doctor visits just like everyone does and was getting excited about finding out the sex of the baby. My grandmother, sister, and my best friend Tonya all went with me to this exciting appointment!! It's A BOY!! It was clearly a boy! I was so thrilled! Like usual at the 20 weeks visit they do some measurements also to make sure everything was going like scheduled. Well that's when we found out there was something wrong with Kyle. My dr was not sure exactly what was wrong so he sent me to a high risk dr. I really didn't know what to expect and honestly I dont think anything else sunk in but the fact that it was a boy. The day came and my grandmother and I both went to visit with the high risk dr and the geneticist and they explained to me that Kyle had an Omphalocele.

What is an omphalocele?
An omphalocele is a congenital (found at birth) malformation in which variable amounts of abdominal contents protrude into the base of the umbilical cord. As the fetus grows in pregnancy, the intestines grow and get longer and project from the abdomen into the umbilical cord. This growth is taking place from the sixth to the tenth week of pregnancy. Normally the intestines return rapidly into the abdomen by the eleventh week of pregnancy. If this fails to happen, an omphalocele is present. It is important to remember that you did not do anything to make this happen. However, more than half of all infants born with an omphalocele may have other birth defects. Some of these defects may be serious.

At this time they told me what other complications can come with this birth defect. There could be chromosome normalities, the baby could have down syndrome, heart defects, and the list goes on. They suggested I get an amniocentesis. So a couple days later I came back to get the amnio and had to be on bed rest for a couple of days due to the risk of miscarriage after an amnio. I think it was about two weeks or so I got the results back. No Down Syndrome, No Trisomy 13. I'm not really pro-abortion but at this point I had considered aborting if either of these came back positive. So I continued to see the high risk doctor along with going to the normal appointments with my regular OB. And by the way my grandmother went to the majority of these appointments with me if not all and the appointment with the high risk doctor could take hours. He was one of the few high risk doctor for all of ft worth and the surrounding areas. I remember we had to wait in the waiting room before every being seen by the doctor for 3 or 4 hours. So thank you grandma! I don't know if I had ever thanked her for that! It meant soo much to me. Here I was, just turned 20 and faced with soo many hard decisions. I joined a couple of online groups with other moms that this has happened to or is happening to. I did my research on what to do after he is born, how long would he be in the hospital. I even met with a pediatric surgeon to see what they suggest and to get prepared! I do feel that for how young I was and how much I was hurting and scared I was somewhat prepared. When a baby has an ompalocele the severity can be anywhere from a small omphalocele to a giant omphalocele. Giant omphalocele being the most sever

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Crafty Bug is Back!

I am soo excited... my creative bug is coming back!! I learned how to make those bows that moms put on their children and I've joined this company selling vinyl letters that you can put on walls and many other surfaces! I was so excited yesterday bc I decided that I wanted to also start some woodworking.( Yes I know it's a bit crazy but I worked on the ban saw the other day and loved it!) How nice would it be if I can make my own wooden signs and not have to depend on Kelly. So I decided to go to Barnes and noble today after my dentist appt and go get a book on simple woodworking. But woke up and my freakin allergies are killing me!!! It sucks! I dont feel like doing anything today but hopefully after I shower and get up I'll feel better! Hopefully if I dont feel up to being creative today I can at least feel well enough to plant our tomato plants in the garden! I am also joining a craft fair sometime in Oct. the date and venue are not known at this time but I will keep everyone updated! I posted a picture of a hair bow holder that I'm making, so let me know if you want one and what colors. Well I better get going I have a dentist appt soon and I have many cavities I fear!! Oh yeah how can I forget this tid bit of info my best friend Tonya is moving back to Texas in about a week!!!! I cannot wait!!!! TTYL