Friday, August 21, 2009

Getting up there

I woke up this morning was did some deep thinking. What have I done with my life so far? Where am I going? I am really excited for where my life is going, not so happy with all the choices I've made but you live and you learn from the past and your move on! For the life of me I couldn't remember how old I was this morning. I thought I was 25. It wasn't until I did the math that I realized, I'm 26 years old. WOW!! That's four years away from 30! I really need to take a deep breath and relax and just enjoy where I am at today. I have a big habit of when things are going good for me,I find a way to make things go sour. I'm not comfortable with things going smoothly for some reason. Maybe I can blame my childhood for this?! I do this without thinking about it. It wasn't until last summer that I realize I do it (actually my counselor helped me realize this). From this day forward I'm going to enjoy life and not dwell on what I want right at that moment. In time I will get everything that will make me happy, I just have to be patient. Our house is coming along, slowly but surely, and we have plans to start our family soon!! You know life is not bad at all. We aren't strapped for cash (like too many people these days), we are lucky enough to build a big beautiful house out here on the ranch, we have 4 awesome pets that we love and adore, and our family is amazing! I'm also taking another shot of a vegetable garden. Wish me luck! I bought a book to help me this time!
The point of this blog is that I have finally realized how I act (very selfish!) and that things are never as bad as you think they are. Unfortunately I always think the grass is greener on the other side and really it's not! Please don't get me wrong I am a very grateful and happy person, it's just this week is always a rough week for me, some years it's rougher than others but I get through it! I always do!

Saturday, August 15, 2009


So today I remembered what this coming Wednesday is (I dont ever forget just sometimes I lose track of time): 6 years ago Aug 19, my son Kyle was born and 12 years ago my mom past away. I know I've talked about Kyle before on a few blogs but have not really talked much about my mother. You know after you lose a loved one, things are never the same. The grieving gets easier but it never goes away. I think you grieve for the rest of your life. It's not a bad thing, but is a bit hard at times. When my mother died I was a freshman in high school, actually I missed my second week of high school b/c my mother was in the hospital in a coma. That whole freshman year I was lost and kind of in a daze. I was failing most of my classes. I wasn't really there at all. I remember when I first got my driver's licence I kept thinking to myself, "there is someone that I haven't told about my new car and about my licence". Finally one day it hit me, it was my mother, she didn't get to see me for that major milestone in my life. Every time I have a big event in my life I always think of my mother and how much I miss her. The next major event in my life (I hope) will be having a baby. It saddens me at times because everyone has their mother to spoil their child rotten but I don't. I know I have my grandmother (which I am so glad I have her I would be lost without her), I have Candice, my dad, and lots of other family members who love and cherish me, but it's not the same. But that's life and life isn't fair. I've known that for many many years. It is important to know that I have no regrets and honestly I wouldn't change anything. I love my life. I am a true believer that everything in life happens for a reason. We may not understand it but it does. All the events in my life led me to who I am and where I am today. If even one thing hadn't happened then I may not have meet Kelly and married him! I wouldn't trade that for anything in the whole world! He is the sweetest guy anyone could ever ask for and I love him dearly!
Every now and then I can still hear my mother's laugh. Unfortunately, these memories come and go. But one thing I don't ever ever forget is how much she loved me! I know she had a rough life, but she tried and she always let us know that she loved us! I really wish Kelly could have met her and vice versa. They would have really loved each other I know. I often see someone at a restaurant or at the store that has some quality that reminds me of my mother and I hope that never stops! In a weird way it's comforting. It kind of reminds me that she is always here and is looking down on me.
I can still hear my mother and sister laugh/chuckle at me at my piano recital. It wasn't mean, it was well deserved! I had terrible stage fright and froze up at every recital. And maybe they weren't laughing at me and I just dreamt it, but I knew they were thinking it! LOL. I cherish these memories and am glad I have them! I know there are people out there that don't have any memories of a parent and I am lucky for the years I did have my mother here with me!
This Wed I will be taking flowers to their grave site like I do most years. This week in August is a biter/sweet week. I am sad they are gone but at the same time I am happy for the life that I have now!