Kyle part 2

He was born August 19, 2003. I delivered at Harris Methodist downtown Ft. Worth. Their NICU was all full so Kyle had to go next door to Cook's. Looking back I'm glad he went there. The two hospitals were connected so I got to see him as much as I wanted. I had a full day of visitors. Around 9 or 10 pm the nurse's aid came in to give me medicine and to check up on me. I told her I would like to go see my son. I hadn't seen him since I delivered and quite frankly I didn't remember much. She was soo sweet and said she would take me to see him after she is through with her rounds. 11pm rolls around and I finally get to see my son. He was a chubby 5 lbs. 10oz. I was quite impressed he had some dark brown hair and such broad shoulders. It was soo awesome to finally meet him! Went back to my room and got some sleep, not much. I had the morphine button and sometime in the middle of the night I remember waking up and paging my nurse to tell her my button had not been working. I guess I was in pain and obviously loopy. We were arguing back and forth and Finally she left. Apparently I had just pushed the button and forgot. Oops! The next morning the doctor came by to see how things were going and he told me that he would let me stay at the hospital the max number of days allowed since Kyle was not going home anytime soon. After a day or two I learned how to wheel myself, I did not want to have to depend on anyone. I can do it myself! And then after 3 days I learned to walk slowly!! Very very slowly! I think I recovered faster than most from my c-section but honestly I had no choice. I had to do what I had to do. Kyle was all that I had time to worry about. I believe it was day 4 that I went home. I think I slept in my own bed that night but the next night I was moving into the hotel room til Kyle got out of the hospital. It was right down the road from Cooks. I believe day 4 or day 5 is when they did Kyle's surgery and started to push some of his organs into his body. He was doing okay. Day 5 my grandma and I left the hospital and had a nice dinner and crashed at the hotel. We had only been sleeping for a little bit when my cell phone rang. I asked the nurse to call me at anytime if Kyle gets worse. I sat there for a few minutes wondering if I should wake my grandma or wait until they call again saying to come up. They just informed me that he wasn't doing well but they would call if things got really bad. Finally I woke grandma and we rushed to the hospital. Kelly ( not my husband now, Kyle's father) had been there all night with him. He was sleeping in the waiting room and when I got there I didn't even wake him I went straight to Kyle. I think my grandma woke him to tell him they called me. After being by his side for what felt to me just a short time, there was an emergency flown in and NICU was closed to all visitors. They had to get this new baby stable and settled in. So off to the waiting room I go. I was not about to leave. I told my grandma that she could go get some rest and that I would be fine but she insisted on staying right there with me. The nurses were kind enough to get us a private room to sleep. Sometime later that morning not sure when I got up and showered and waited some more in the waiting room. Kelly had been there all the previous day and all night without much sleep. So he went back to Granbury to clean up and maybe take a small nap.
Oh I almost forgot, around day 3 or 4 I took my aunt down to see Kyle and his eyes were open! I saw his beautiful blue eyes! It was soo nice to see! That was the only time I saw them open.
Ok later of day 6 one of the NICU doctors pulled me to the side and showed me how serious his condition really was. Up to this point I didn't really know or think of how serious this is. He showed me Kyle's lung x-rays in comparison to a preemies x-rays. Kyle's were smaller! So much smaller. They asked me if something were to happen do I want them to resuscitate? Well as a mother of course I want them to do whatever they can to bring him back, but the reality was if they did bring him back, what would his quality of life be. The doctor also informed me that they can sometimes do more harm resuscitating an infant. So I told him no. DNR. A few hours later Kyle was going down hill quickly! I called his father and told him to rush back. His heart rate was slowing getting slower and slower. His nurse asked me if I wanted her to take him off the machine so I could hold him. As much as I wanted to hold him a huge part of me was like "Well what if I keep him on this machine just a little longer, he can come back." So I said no, keep him on the machines, please. After a long hard battle, I saw on the machine his heart stop. It was so hard to see. I knew this could happen. All the doctors told me that he could die, but you never think it will happen to you. The nurse took Kyle off the machines and let me hold him. I held him and rocked him. My baby was gone. He lived 6 days. I ran out and called Kelly on his phone and told him he was gone. Looking back now, I know I should have not told him over the phone but I wasn't thinking. My grandma came back and she held him. When Kelly got there he held him. And after everyone held him I held him again. I wanted to be the last one to hold my baby. Cook's hospital was a great hospital. They were all so kind to us. They made me a little impression of his foot, gave me a teddy bear someone gave him. I have his little blood pressure arm band, his thermometer.I treasure all these little things of his. We had a very nice graveside funeral. He is buried in the same cemetery as my mother. It felt like a week that I didn't get out of bed. I don't remembering answering my phone or calling anyone back. I just needed some time to myself. After a couple of, my sister found me a counselor. I went there once a week and made a scrapbook of all of Kyle's stuff and stuff I got throughout the pregnancy. The scrapbook helped me get through my tough times. I still think about Kyle often, as I always will. I do not get uncomfortable talking about him ever. I don't want to say it's not hard anymore, especially now, Kelly and I are somewhat trying. Every now and then I have a hard time, but he will be forever loved and forever missed!

I don't mind if people ask me questions. I wrote these blogs so people can be informed.