Getting up there

I woke up this morning was did some deep thinking. What have I done with my life so far? Where am I going? I am really excited for where my life is going, not so happy with all the choices I've made but you live and you learn from the past and your move on! For the life of me I couldn't remember how old I was this morning. I thought I was 25. It wasn't until I did the math that I realized, I'm 26 years old. WOW!! That's four years away from 30! I really need to take a deep breath and relax and just enjoy where I am at today. I have a big habit of when things are going good for me,I find a way to make things go sour. I'm not comfortable with things going smoothly for some reason. Maybe I can blame my childhood for this?! I do this without thinking about it. It wasn't until last summer that I realize I do it (actually my counselor helped me realize this). From this day forward I'm going to enjoy life and not dwell on what I want right at that moment. In time I will get everything that will make me happy, I just have to be patient. Our house is coming along, slowly but surely, and we have plans to start our family soon!! You know life is not bad at all. We aren't strapped for cash (like too many people these days), we are lucky enough to build a big beautiful house out here on the ranch, we have 4 awesome pets that we love and adore, and our family is amazing! I'm also taking another shot of a vegetable garden. Wish me luck! I bought a book to help me this time!
The point of this blog is that I have finally realized how I act (very selfish!) and that things are never as bad as you think they are. Unfortunately I always think the grass is greener on the other side and really it's not! Please don't get me wrong I am a very grateful and happy person, it's just this week is always a rough week for me, some years it's rougher than others but I get through it! I always do!

Memories

So today I remembered what this coming Wednesday is (I dont ever forget just sometimes I lose track of time): 6 years ago Aug 19, my son Kyle was born and 12 years ago my mom past away. I know I've talked about Kyle before on a few blogs but have not really talked much about my mother. You know after you lose a loved one, things are never the same. The grieving gets easier but it never goes away. I think you grieve for the rest of your life. It's not a bad thing, but is a bit hard at times. When my mother died I was a freshman in high school, actually I missed my second week of high school b/c my mother was in the hospital in a coma. That whole freshman year I was lost and kind of in a daze. I was failing most of my classes. I wasn't really there at all. I remember when I first got my driver's licence I kept thinking to myself, "there is someone that I haven't told about my new car and about my licence". Finally one day it hit me, it was my mother, she didn't get to see me for that major milestone in my life. Every time I have a big event in my life I always think of my mother and how much I miss her. The next major event in my life (I hope) will be having a baby. It saddens me at times because everyone has their mother to spoil their child rotten but I don't. I know I have my grandmother (which I am so glad I have her I would be lost without her), I have Candice, my dad, and lots of other family members who love and cherish me, but it's not the same. But that's life and life isn't fair. I've known that for many many years. It is important to know that I have no regrets and honestly I wouldn't change anything. I love my life. I am a true believer that everything in life happens for a reason. We may not understand it but it does. All the events in my life led me to who I am and where I am today. If even one thing hadn't happened then I may not have meet Kelly and married him! I wouldn't trade that for anything in the whole world! He is the sweetest guy anyone could ever ask for and I love him dearly!
Every now and then I can still hear my mother's laugh. Unfortunately, these memories come and go. But one thing I don't ever ever forget is how much she loved me! I know she had a rough life, but she tried and she always let us know that she loved us! I really wish Kelly could have met her and vice versa. They would have really loved each other I know. I often see someone at a restaurant or at the store that has some quality that reminds me of my mother and I hope that never stops! In a weird way it's comforting. It kind of reminds me that she is always here and is looking down on me.
I can still hear my mother and sister laugh/chuckle at me at my piano recital. It wasn't mean, it was well deserved! I had terrible stage fright and froze up at every recital. And maybe they weren't laughing at me and I just dreamt it, but I knew they were thinking it! LOL. I cherish these memories and am glad I have them! I know there are people out there that don't have any memories of a parent and I am lucky for the years I did have my mother here with me!
This Wed I will be taking flowers to their grave site like I do most years. This week in August is a biter/sweet week. I am sad they are gone but at the same time I am happy for the life that I have now!

AHHH!

Today was the first day since the scorpion episode that I truly enjoyed my shower!! While I was washing my face I felt something on my foot (same foot that the devil was crawling up) and thought to myself "it's just water just enjoy this shower" Everytime I get in the shower this week I keep thinking it's gonna come back. I think to myself that this scorpion has it out for me and it's going to get me one way or another! I think I'm over it now! Or at least I hope for now I am. I'm sure sometime next year I'll see another one. Its been about one every year or so.
I woke up this morning and layed in bed with Kelly for a few hours and then went for a run. The run was a killer but in the end I was glad I went! I took Pinky and Khloe with me. Abby is just too old to go anymore. It's really sad but it's part of life! My goal is to try to get back into my running routine. I was so good last year but ever since I hurt my knee I've falling off the wagon (as Oprah and Kirsti Ally would say). It's so hard when you've stopped for so long! Maybe I'll become pregnant soon so I can stop trying to get back to my high school weight. I will still workout but just not as hard! Wish me luck this week!

OMG!!!

So let me just start off by saying taking a nice hot shower is one of the best parts of my day! I love taking my showers! I got in the shower this morning and felt something crawling on my foot. Out of reaction i jumped out of the shower and shook my foot. A damn scorpion was on my foot! It didn't sting me thank God!! So I try my hardest to get a cup full of water to drown him and make him go back in the drain. So now I'm scared as shit and not enjoying my hot shower at all. I started bathing while also keeping an eye on the drain for that sucker to come out. And yes while I was washing my face he came back!!! Damn suckers can swim! OMG!! I did not know that but it makes sense he did come out of the DRAIN! Oh and I closed the drain thinking he cant up through b/c it's closed. Oh I'm so wrong! I called Kelly and he said "Yeah they can get through small spaces" Well no shit!!! I found out the hard way. I jumped out of the shower again and got my volumizer bottle and killed that sucker. Oh at least I hope so! It is no fun taking a shower with one eye on the damn drain! I would feel something on my leg or my foot and I would jump again. It was just the water running down my leg. My heart is still racing!! So scary! I really think there should be a manual for a city girl moving out to the country. A what to expect and what to do when...



Here lately we have had a few ticks in the house. I'm sure you are thinking well put some frontline on your dogs. They are on frontline and they are tick free. It's Kelly who is bring them home! Every time he has gone into the woods this year comes home with a tick on his body! Freakin nasty!! He said that he usually gets one tick on him in a year not one every time he goes into the woods. A few weeks ago I was in the closet putting my makeup on ( I have a large mirror in there and sit on the floor to put my makeup on) and saw a spider on me. I took it to Kelly and asked what kind of spider this was and he said "Babe, that's not a spider, it's a tick" OMG so nasty! I guess I've never seen one before. And the other morning I woke up and saw a tick crawling on my pillow! Seriously! I've had enough "country" bugs for a year or so! If I see another nasty bug I am going to get a hotel for a few days while Kelly sprays the whole house and our entire yard! Greta eats any bug she sees so if we didn't have her I wonder how many more bugs I might see! Thanks Greta! She's got my back!
Kelly gets mad at me sometimes when I freak out about these little bugs, but in my head I think to myself what if this little bug gets inside me somehow. What if it lays eggs inside my body and what damage can this nasty little bug do to me!? He doesn't really get mad but frustrated b/c these bugs wont kill me and if I got bit by a black widow (yes we have those too) then I'll just go to the hospital. But I say to myself what if I dont know I bit me and my arm turns blue and black and the doctors have to take it off! My mind wanders and I know the hospital isn't far if anything were to ever happen. Yes Kelly and Kit grew up with all these bugs and snakes and they turned out just fine. It's still scary! I am a country girl now but there is still a city girl inside somewhere!

Greta's Walk

Greta hiding in the brush!





The Family walking together!

Yesterday I felt very family-ish and felt inclined to go on a walk with my family. I for some reason picked Greta up like a little baby and decided she should go with us. From time to time I'll feel more family-ish than other times. I started our walk with our 3 dogs, Kelly, and Greta. I started to carry Greta (which btw she was staying still while I held her). I put her down after just a few minutes into our walk. I told Kelly "How cool would it be if Greta would walk with us like the dogs do". And she did!!! I was scared to let her go b/c I had no idea if she would run or not. She does get some free time outside in our yard almost everyday. I think it's her favorite time of the day!! She plays with Khloe and it's soo cute!! When I let her down she kind of just stood there wondering what the hell was going on. I kept on calling her but Kelly said to just walk away and she will come follow. She did! He was right! It was soo cute. She would cry when she got too far behind and she would gallop and run. By the end of our walk, which was only a half a mile, she was panting. Her little tongue would stick in and out while her heart was racing. I suppose I should ask the vet if it ok for her to go on , what I feel is a long walk for a cat! Who the hell has a cat that goes on walks with them?! I do!! And I love it! Not only does she fetch she now walks with the family!! What an awesome cat I have!!

Just to clearify, kyle's father is not my husband Kelly. It's a different Kelly. I started dating Kelly langdon about a month or so after Kyle died.

Kyle part 2

He was born August 19, 2003. I delivered at Harris Methodist downtown Ft. Worth. Their NICU was all full so Kyle had to go next door to Cook's. Looking back I'm glad he went there. The two hospitals were connected so I got to see him as much as I wanted. I had a full day of visitors. Around 9 or 10 pm the nurse's aid came in to give me medicine and to check up on me. I told her I would like to go see my son. I hadn't seen him since I delivered and quite frankly I didn't remember much. She was soo sweet and said she would take me to see him after she is through with her rounds. 11pm rolls around and I finally get to see my son. He was a chubby 5 lbs. 10oz. I was quite impressed he had some dark brown hair and such broad shoulders. It was soo awesome to finally meet him! Went back to my room and got some sleep, not much. I had the morphine button and sometime in the middle of the night I remember waking up and paging my nurse to tell her my button had not been working. I guess I was in pain and obviously loopy. We were arguing back and forth and Finally she left. Apparently I had just pushed the button and forgot. Oops! The next morning the doctor came by to see how things were going and he told me that he would let me stay at the hospital the max number of days allowed since Kyle was not going home anytime soon. After a day or two I learned how to wheel myself, I did not want to have to depend on anyone. I can do it myself! And then after 3 days I learned to walk slowly!! Very very slowly! I think I recovered faster than most from my c-section but honestly I had no choice. I had to do what I had to do. Kyle was all that I had time to worry about. I believe it was day 4 that I went home. I think I slept in my own bed that night but the next night I was moving into the hotel room til Kyle got out of the hospital. It was right down the road from Cooks. I believe day 4 or day 5 is when they did Kyle's surgery and started to push some of his organs into his body. He was doing okay. Day 5 my grandma and I left the hospital and had a nice dinner and crashed at the hotel. We had only been sleeping for a little bit when my cell phone rang. I asked the nurse to call me at anytime if Kyle gets worse. I sat there for a few minutes wondering if I should wake my grandma or wait until they call again saying to come up. They just informed me that he wasn't doing well but they would call if things got really bad. Finally I woke grandma and we rushed to the hospital. Kelly ( not my husband now, Kyle's father) had been there all night with him. He was sleeping in the waiting room and when I got there I didn't even wake him I went straight to Kyle. I think my grandma woke him to tell him they called me. After being by his side for what felt to me just a short time, there was an emergency flown in and NICU was closed to all visitors. They had to get this new baby stable and settled in. So off to the waiting room I go. I was not about to leave. I told my grandma that she could go get some rest and that I would be fine but she insisted on staying right there with me. The nurses were kind enough to get us a private room to sleep. Sometime later that morning not sure when I got up and showered and waited some more in the waiting room. Kelly had been there all the previous day and all night without much sleep. So he went back to Granbury to clean up and maybe take a small nap.
Oh I almost forgot, around day 3 or 4 I took my aunt down to see Kyle and his eyes were open! I saw his beautiful blue eyes! It was soo nice to see! That was the only time I saw them open.
Ok later of day 6 one of the NICU doctors pulled me to the side and showed me how serious his condition really was. Up to this point I didn't really know or think of how serious this is. He showed me Kyle's lung x-rays in comparison to a preemies x-rays. Kyle's were smaller! So much smaller. They asked me if something were to happen do I want them to resuscitate? Well as a mother of course I want them to do whatever they can to bring him back, but the reality was if they did bring him back, what would his quality of life be. The doctor also informed me that they can sometimes do more harm resuscitating an infant. So I told him no. DNR. A few hours later Kyle was going down hill quickly! I called his father and told him to rush back. His heart rate was slowing getting slower and slower. His nurse asked me if I wanted her to take him off the machine so I could hold him. As much as I wanted to hold him a huge part of me was like "Well what if I keep him on this machine just a little longer, he can come back." So I said no, keep him on the machines, please. After a long hard battle, I saw on the machine his heart stop. It was so hard to see. I knew this could happen. All the doctors told me that he could die, but you never think it will happen to you. The nurse took Kyle off the machines and let me hold him. I held him and rocked him. My baby was gone. He lived 6 days. I ran out and called Kelly on his phone and told him he was gone. Looking back now, I know I should have not told him over the phone but I wasn't thinking. My grandma came back and she held him. When Kelly got there he held him. And after everyone held him I held him again. I wanted to be the last one to hold my baby. Cook's hospital was a great hospital. They were all so kind to us. They made me a little impression of his foot, gave me a teddy bear someone gave him. I have his little blood pressure arm band, his thermometer.I treasure all these little things of his. We had a very nice graveside funeral. He is buried in the same cemetery as my mother. It felt like a week that I didn't get out of bed. I don't remembering answering my phone or calling anyone back. I just needed some time to myself. After a couple of, my sister found me a counselor. I went there once a week and made a scrapbook of all of Kyle's stuff and stuff I got throughout the pregnancy. The scrapbook helped me get through my tough times. I still think about Kyle often, as I always will. I do not get uncomfortable talking about him ever. I don't want to say it's not hard anymore, especially now, Kelly and I are somewhat trying. Every now and then I have a hard time, but he will be forever loved and forever missed!

I don't mind if people ask me questions. I wrote these blogs so people can be informed.